- barbecue food is good
you invite me out to eat it I should go
but Im feeling kinda nervous
and not quite myself
so Im running late on purpose
and I know this wont help
how things have become between us
if I go youll give me hell
and that I dont know how to fix
is making me unwell, well
I arrive at your house but youve just got up
and you are wearing a towel and your eyes look dark
I help to dry your body and I see your cut
so I give you a plaster and we cover it up
I say have you been crying and you say shut up
so we sit in the garden and touch grass with our hands
the sun is going down now and its been okay
you tell me all the things you did while I was away, and this worries me so much
but you say your fine
listen, can you hear it?
if you speak, will I feel it?
will it hurt?
and I knew it
I dont know
I dont know how all people havent got mental health problems. thinking is one of the most stressful things Ive ever come across. and not being able to articulate what I want to say drives me crazy. I think I should read some more books, learn some new words. my sister used to read the dictionary Im gonna start with that. Id like to travel. I want to see India and the pyramids, a whale and that race with all the bicycles in France. Im not sure about rivers they scare me, but I love swimming, Im good at it. and when I swim I count the laps and this helps me relax. when I was younger I saw a house burnt down and I walked past it for the next six years. derelict, black, chalky and dangerous, I wondered if squatters lived there. Im still not sure but I know there were not any parties it was a shit-hole. after a while the council got round to tidying up the town. they thought it was an eye-sore so they tore it down. behind the house there was a wall with a few bits of crappy graffiti and the word CUNT written in giant letters and now I walk past that. I like going to the park. I like walking through it. I like taking my dogs there and friends and I like being alone. I like being able to shout but I wish I could be quiet. when Im quiet people just think Im sad and usually I am. sometimes when im at really noisy train-station, of with the big fat trains like kings cross, I feel like putting down my bags and SHOUTING things out because Ive got something to say.
DONT YOU WANT TO SHARE THE GUILT?
dont think, just try and sleep.
- Kate Nash
sometimes your thoughts to a song change. sometimes you find yourself in another situation, another day of your life, and the melody that is playing and the words are being said suddenly appear so different. I never felt so about this one. I never thought it would change. all this time, I felt it so close to me, wrapping around my shoulders and embracing me like a friend that Id been searching for. it describes things so perfectly, I guess. how it is, how I wish itd would be, how I wish it wouldnt be, and how it shouldnt be. it is just there, holding the simplicity of a confused mind. and maybe that is all I need.
(day eighty-five)
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